Rules A Black Man Shouldn’t Break

I’m guilty.

What’s the crime?

I’m a black man who doesn’t see the world like everyone else, specifically like you average, grade-A, African American male. Since I was born, I purposely defecated and urinated on the galactic stage called life by being my own person and offending the sheep. Suck. I really suck at being part of the sheep. I really do. So, after some soul searching, I decided to list some directives I broke. You blerds out there reading this should take these rules to heart and give it to anyone who’s like you.

1) A BLACK MAN SHOULD HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD

You reach a certain age when you’re a black man and you don’t have a criminal record, you’re really not that much. Being a straight-arrow won’t give you much street cred. If you want to be appreciated by your “brothers” (I would have used “soul brothers”, but I didn’t want to date myself. Excuse me.), you have to commit a crime. Jaywalk in front of a cop, and mouth out to him, if he gives you shit about it. Urinate in public. Grope a fairly attractive nun…emphasis on fairly attractive. Just do something that will get in you in handcuffs, fingerprinted, photographed, a lousy public defender and a prison sentence.

2) A BLACK MAN SHOULDN’T BE EDUCATED

What’s the point of being smart if the world doesn’t respect you in the first place? Excelling in sports, music, fucking, and the art of verbal bullshit is a no-no. Sure, George Washington Carver discovered that sweet potatoes, soybeans and peanuts can be alternative crops to cotton. Sure, Benjamin Banneker invented the wooden clock, write the 1792 Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia Almanac and Ephemeris and assisted in the survey of the original borders of the District of Columbia. Otis Boykon invented the artificial heart pacemaker control.  Charles Drew invented the process of blood transfusion. Jerry Lawson designed the Fairchild Channel F, the first programmable ROM cartridge-based video game console. And so on and so forth.

Why did I mention these names? They’re not coo, interesting or hip, like Kayne West, Lebron James and Tyler Perry. They were square, acting white and proper. Don’t get me started with the forty-fourth President of the United States. Just don’t.  So, don’t have any big ideas. They’ll only make you lonely and lame.

3) A BLACK MAN SHOULD HAVE MORE THAN ONE BABY MAMA

Sexually conquering a woman’s one thing, but that’s just it. One thing. How can you be taken seriously as an African-American male if you don’t have a lot of “hoes” on your contact list in your cell phone (Make sure Latisha’s phone number doesn’t get mixed with Maxine’s icon, or your ass will end us on Jerry Springer). If you don’t believe that, just take off your clothes, guys, and look at yourself in the mirror. With a dick like yours, you should be knocking down buildings, let alone laying hotties. If one of them gets pregnant, hit the road before they get you into the marriage trap and find another squeeze. If the second girl gets pregnant too, do the same. Wash and rinse. Repeat when the time comes.

4) A BLACK MAN SHOULDN’T WATCH WOODY ALLEN FILMS

There’s really something wrong with you, if you’ve rented “Annie Hall”, “Manhattan”, “Radio Days” or “Broadway Danny Rose” from Netflix. Why would you want to watch the film of a nebbish Hebrew from Brooklyn? There’s no black people in his films (Chiwetel Ejiofor doesn’t count because he’s African-British), so why bother to. Do you  really care about a smart guy who worries about almost everything while trying to get a girl that brother could get without any trouble or effort?

Hell, no!

Stick with Tyler Perry films when you’re with your second, third or fourth baby mama. The man may love like the black Norman bates, without the blood, dead bodies and knives, but he’s worth it and you’ll thank yourself.

I could go on, but you guys are feeling what I’m saying. Just follow these rules, and you’ll become a proud, upstanding blight on society and not a geeky Uncle Tom like me.